Sunday, August 5, 2012

Letting Go

There are many times when I've looked around me - be it at work, in a classroom, at a social event or even with friends and family - and felt how different I am from everyone around me. My thoughts, opinions or how I deal with certain events seem so far off from those of others. I've often wished I could read other's minds to know what they are thinking or how they are processing specific events. At the same time, if others could be inside my mind, they might be frightened of what goes on in there. My mind is constantly racing, analyzing and rehashing things I should've have let go and put behind me. It could be something so insignificant as a comment someone made to me at work that I took so much harder than it was meant to be or more importantly, the loss of a friendship. It stays and stays with me. I know this is the difference between living in the moment and being happy vs. living in the past and being unhappy but having SA means it's very difficult to make a new friend, new memories, or even just have an anxiety-free day. Our days our-filled with self-monitoring and analyzing. Much of our time is spent making sure others are happy, saying the "right" things when we do speak and trying to "fit in".

Many times I feel what actually does manage to come out of my mouth is nothing close to what I'm feeling inside or wanted to express. It loses its translation somewhere between my brain to my mouth. Inside my own head it makes complete sense and I feel I will make a valid point but it typically comes out making no sense and I am left with a sense of humiliation, frustration and inadequacy once again. I can rarely express effectively what it is I hope to get across. It's as though I'm not even the one speaking the words, that they are coming from somewhere else. It's very unsettling to say the very least to not be able to effectively communicate or stand up for yourself.

1 comment:

  1. I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's tough, but I've decided I'm not living like this anymore. It's so cool that you've written a book about your experience. I'll have to check it out :)

    I also have a blog called

    I think blogging really helps me to vent!