Monday, October 22, 2012


Somehow I've managed to have a job interview next week. I cannot even put into words how much anxiety this brings on. I don't know why I've put myself in this position other than wanting to better myself for me and my partner. The idea of it makes perfect sense. With the economy being in the state it's in, living expenses continuing to rise, lack of pension benefits provided by employers, and the threat of SS benefits quickly dwindling, I think most of us are very concerned about our futures. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I don't want to struggle financially the way my parents did. I want to put my education to use. I want my partner to feel the person she has chosen as her life partner can be counted on to share equally in our financial responsibilities and not have to continually be the strong one in the relationship. I've seen how hard that has been on my parent's relationship and the strain it has put on my Mom since my Dad also suffers from S.A.D. I don't want that for myself or Rachel. I want her to be proud of me, not ashamed.

The reality of it is, I have a "decent" job that I provides me ok pay but could definitely provide better pay and benefits. I struggle daily at this job that provides me with my own work space and minimal interaction. The small amount of interaction I have to have now can send me in a downward spiral in a heartbeat and leave me crying at my desk wishing so badly I didn't have to be there. 95% of the people there are decent, fun, and friendly people. I have known them now for nearly 3 years and yet feel I am still not part of their world and have a very difficult time interacting with them. I have the luxury of not having to attend most social events related to it even though I long to to be able to and understand it could help better me career wise. I stay to myself as much as I can because each encounter has the potential to leave me with an overwhelming sense of failure and humiliation. Even though I am a very conscientious and detail-oriented person, I find myself making mistakes because my mind is always racing, worrying and trying to deal with the anxiety of just being there. I tend to lose focus of the task at hand. Who will I have to talk to next? When will the next person come to ask me a work-related question? How big of a fool will I make of myself? Do they wish they didn't have to work with me? How can I possibly put myself in a new situation which could require more responsibility, interaction and potential for humiliation and anxiety??

I am a hard worker. I do know this about myself but it is hard for me to give myself any credit for what I have achieved so far. I want to be better but S.A.D. is one contradiction after another. Do I go and risk the humiliation of an hour and a half interview?  It took me days just to work up the courage to call and schedule the interview in which I felt I embarrassed myself with the responses I gave. Do I not go at all and then deal with the regret of at least not trying?

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